Monday, June 20, 2011


Game: Bulletstrom

System: Xbox 360, PS3, PC

Release: February 2011

Warning: The following contains an obscene amount of curse words. Previously, I've typed the occasional fuck, but for fucks sake this is a lot of fucking curse words. I apologize to any of my loyal readers who may be offended--fucking wankers.

Dick, shit, cock, fuck, ass, balls pretty much sums up Bulletstorm. It's an homage to my childhood days of immature jokes and hours of first-peni...errr...person shooters. 

Epic roles out a game reaming with ridiculous kills and Big Fucking Gun's. Every gun has an alt fire overkill mode which adds some flair to your standard arsenal. My favorite toy was the Flail Gun. Take two grenades and connect them with a chain. Load into the launcher, aim, and fire. Before you know bad guys are hopping mad before they go boom. Another weapon is a drill-spear gun that impales foes with ease and twirls them round and round like a fucking ferris wheel. 

If guns don't do it for ya, then try kicking grunts into cacti, or using the whip mechanic to throw them off a ledge. All the death variety serves a purpose. You score points for doing unique kills that unlock additional upgrades. The list was pretty long, and the gaming lords know I won't finish it. Still, I'm sure some completionist out there has. So kudos to that prick.

Driving the carnage is your stereotypical revenge/bromance. Hunt and Ishi Sato are the last of their crew after a suicide attack by the former. He gave the orders to attack a really big ship because he was pissed drunk and pissed off. Apparently General Sarrano is a big asshole, and Gray is just the dick to fuck him for good. Ishi gets to become a border line psychotic cyborg, and the female role played by Trishka cements the fact that no one is gay--despite the copious use of the word "dick." Things go wrong, then right, then back to wrong, and before you know it everything is dead. Throw on a teaser for the next game and call it a day. 

Multiplayer sucks ass because EA hates renters. Those who want to experience Buletstorms MP must buy the game new to obtain a code. If you don't have this code, then you must pay to play. Honestly with so many quality FPS games out there--Halo Reach, Black Ops, MW2, L4D2, Battlefield--I hardly see the need to fork over more money. 

All things considered Bulletstorm is a fun game. I enjoyed the guns and the killing reward system. The plot wasn't the worse thing I've ever witnessed, nor was it amazing. The environments were dam gorgeous, but the enemies were boring bitches. The immature characters and dialog doesn't help the game either (nor does it help this review). It's just another additional to the FPS genre that few will probably care to play. Snerts Snazzy Score is Gamefly--especially for shooter fans. Rent, play, and get all those penis puns out of your system. 

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